Gloria Allison ...

I thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

All I have are memories &a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has you in His keeping,

I have you in my...............

 

 

 

 

 

heart.

 

 

 

 

I wish only to sit over a cup of coffee and unveil my life to you.

I have quite the spring in my step...3/10/10

....and I love it!

Finally, a day above 50 degrees!
*it was still cloudy so a coat was necessary but nontheless!
Charles & I celebrated by going to Black hawk state park..

...

..

..I ran around all over the place.

Really feeling childlike playfulness

Remembering how I once spent my days

as a wee-one.

The ground was so incredibly soft,

so mushy!!

I got my boots diiiirty and had so much fun

jumping around, laughing
and enjoying the much needed temperature change!

heh..Romping through the woods.

wishing I were a bird.

...

Down by the river,

Charlie found a walking-stick!

(it didn't stay with us too long unfortunately.)

 

He is so adorable!!

Love it.

<3<3

 

There were these oval shaped spots

very loose and flaky in texture.

We think they are petrified clam shell's.

What else could they be?

...

 

Walking the trails,

I found this little treasure.

A cardinal's lost feather.

I love the rich red color amongst the earthy brown and beige leaves.

...

Charles leading the way....

..

(I make him stop for photos.)
...

I am so in love with natural bodies of water.

they're mystical magical looking places!

...gnarly trees...
 

{my beau}

...

I found the home of thousands of hibernating ladybugs!

we're ready for you ladies;

Thinking of spring,

my mood is as lightly colored as a soft pastel!

As cloudy as it was,

It smelled like spring.
...

 

Today there is peek-a-boo sunshine and a bike ride is on the agenda.
....
we rode from our house to the district
It was so nice to get my face warmed by the sun
a good sweat in and
my legs feel like jelly heh.
I can't wait to do it again!
(hopefully tomorrow!)
Anywho,
we ate a sandwich downtown and turned around.
when I got home Corie had called
She has a closet of imported beer she is giving away.
She really is one of the most generous people I have ever met
in my entire life. She'll do anything for anyone if needed.

gah! it's so much..

that will take forever to drink down.

but many thanks ms. willet!!

Hope for a great day tomorrow!

<3

Too many voices in your head drowns out the most important one.

I've really been thinking lately.

About my situation, not so much myself.

but, outwardly..

WHO I am towards others,

WHO I have been to people

HOW I want to present myself in the future.

Now, the past is the past.

Yet there are very significant parts of me
still so attached with the past.

Certain rhythms, sounds, scents,

they all take me back.
(as I'm sure they do others.)
I have built up a "Berlin-wall" emotionally.

*note: not supposed be romantically connected.

I just mean, In general...all of it.
graduating a year early.

moving out at the tender age of 18.

supporting myself and another while working full time.

seeing how life is in the real world..

getting your hands dirty ,
appreciating a hard days work.

punching the clock,
waking early.

wishing I were in school instead of digging and sorting through

sometimes, trash.

Leaving a job I let myself get comfortable at...

to throw myself into an office environment

learning a computer program like a second language.

screwing up at it...

being remanded.

it's all built me into a tough little package that

I am so happy I've let myself take this route rather than

just jumping head first into college,
wasting time and money.

which i know i would've done.

I am more than ready to go back and

LEARN!

We've been walking along the river lately

it's really left me feeling

so excited about washing away
the excess.

I've de-cluttered the junk-drawers.

my closet (again...But without holding back!)

I feel like once the unnecessary extra elements of home life

are stripped away,

you can see what you really have....

and appreciate it.

Less laundry,
piles of old papers,

old Cd's,

old notebooks from Chuck's college days.

It's time for simplicity.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

I do love this day . I realize it's a made up holiday

mostly for marketing. But I love LOVE.

Today I went the extra step for Chuck.

I guess it's a day where 

it's fun to celebrate yr love.

In the dead of winter,

when all we have seen is bare trees and a frozen ground for months

it's nice to take a break from 

all of winters frustrations

and remember 

~love~

to appreciate and respect our beloved.

This morning we woke up early.

drove out to chuck's parents house

his mom & i worked on a jig saw puzzle 

as chuck's dad changed his oil.

We watched a little t.v with them

then left and went on a 

wonderful sunny sunday

country drive.

it was so beautiful and I kept thinking what it would be like 

to live out in the wild

to have free land to romp and run about it.

to explore new trails each day.

hike up high in the hills.

I love the country.

We got a heart shaped pizza pie!

took it home and munched on that.

yum yum!

we curled up on the couch and snuggled the rest of the day

left with an evening of bubble baths & wine 

enjoy your love day

<3

a

I've never seen scars like yours..

It's just way too bad,
now you're worse than sad,
all locked up there inside.
And I don't know how you feel,
but I'll make you a deal if you make it out alive.
My shoulders and ears are all yours my dear.
I hope it comes as no surprise.
You've been known to say that you're a.o.k.
when you're feeling sick inside.
I just want you to know
I've got no place to go until the day you die.
While you're waiting, be thankful for you fingers.
I'll be fading with the colors of your pictures.
"I'm not crying wolf", you whispered,
"I'm really dead this time... I'm really dead this time."

What am I supposed to do?

I have a girlfriend that I have tried tremendously to

be there for. I have tried to help her with all of her issues and

i have tried so many times to show her, her selfworth.

I have been hurt by her so many times throughout our years.

I always thought of her as my best friend,

my sister.

I don't have many girlfriends. 

a select few that have been wishy-washy towards me.

I have a best friend that I met only a few years ago.

This girl has been nothing but nice to me

never have we fought.

we haven't always agreed on everything,

but we always handled ourselves I would say,

with a lot of grace.

We both found each other at a time in our lives when we

intensely needed a friend.
To pull each other out of the deep holes we had dug ourselves in.

I am so thankful for her to have helped me and

in turn I know I've helped her !

She's moved to Michigan a year ago

but we still talk and visit each other.

Now this other friend,

I have given birthday gifts to her when

I had absolutely no money to spare.

she never took them with her.

she's blown me off, ditched me

and I finally feel like where I am at a point in my life

I have got to get rid of this negativity in my life

Do I stop being her friend?

It's a constant struggle with her

I have put forth so much time and energy towards trying to

help her...but you have got to want to help yourself.

2010 Welcomed me with an amazing month...

2010, I have welcomed it with open arms!

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around."

I use this quote a lot. because I  feel it applies to my life , a lot.

I find myself running around .

rambling on in circles.

that's when I look inward.

This month has been amazing.

It's been unrelentingly frigid...

with some hot cocoa,

Butters & Charles by my side I've kept warm :)

We absolutely love our new home.

I enjoy doing the laundry, doing dishes.

all the tedious chores I used to hate..

I love feeling the warmth of a happy home.

I felt a displacement with myself in 2009

and I am closing the door to that chapter .

I had never been as suspicious and paranoid as I have in '09

my view on life used to be very free and happy

i have always had my little quirks and issues..

I am really finding happiness by

learning to let go

I forced chuck & myself to do some early spring cleaning

I figure, with a new home.

you need a fresh start.

So declutter yr living spaces and enjoy the ease it leaves you!

I purge my closet. a lot..I need to though.
 I have collected so many trinkets, clothing, decorative scarves, etc .

over the years. Especially from working at Goodwill.

I used to say, "maybe, eventually I will use this!!"

We have given away over 15 bags of clothing, shoes , housewares, furniture.

I've seen some extremely poor families in the Qc while working at the ole' goodwill

and I know the struggles they have to deal with.

I feel like giving away nice things of mine is just exactly what I want to do.

I am an absolute down right true lover of fashion.

( i used to think it was so lame & nonsense to enjoy something like fashion

but its a passion of mine!)

I love sharing pieces of my style with others!

I have an overall resolution for myself this year.I never really

intended to create. It kind of just emerged at the beginning of January.

subconsciously I have just been healthier in what I eat &drink.

I'm really happy right now.

loving my days....

winter night walks

but I am yearning for some warmth!

An open road & the sun warms my face.

Our country cruises make me love winters attributes!

Look at that kitty yawn! (caught that at the riiiight moment! hehe if you look closely you can see her itty-bitty-teeny-tiny front teeth. they are like the size of a pin-head!)

she's mama's girl.

Internet!!

Finally found a spot to update!
I have been loving this autumn weather....
Indian summer stopped by last week
a wonderful last glimmer of warmth before the winter settles itself in!
I have been very beside myself.
I've been a bit stressed out
which usually, causes me panic & persistent worries
However,
I feel I am growing into my age,
I subconsciously have changed my ways,
I have began eating healthier,
meditating , silence and incredibly deep breaths
give me a sort of happy-high
I breathe, take in all of my feelings
and laugh because,
I am a small woman in a massive world
and realize, these problems of mine could be much worse
I am very lucky to live in a country where water is common,
food is abundant and i am loved.
Chuck and I have gone to our spot down by the river every morning this week
it's like a secret garden of sorts....
brick walls,
a small courtyard...
the view of the river
we sit on ledges and get high,
i lay on my back and stare at the sky
tall prairie grass surrounds us
and we walk
and breathe fresh air
and I am relieved.
Our house is coming together
we'll move into it (hopefully) the beginning of December.
its got an amazing porch for all of our plants!
a bigpicture window in the living room for butters to look out
I have a lot to work on
when it comes to Eve dealing with Eve
but
I am motivated to become a better person everyday.

yay!!!!!!!

autumn calling

this may sound funny,
but I really hope I am a nice person.

dreams do come true

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/10/02/french_couple_receive_womans_2003_note_in_a_bottle/?s_campaign=yahoo

subliminal

Well I'll tell you a story of whiskey and mystics and men
And about the believers, and how the whole thing began
First there were women and children obeying the moon
Then daylight brought wisdom and fever and sickness too soon
You can try to remind me instead of the other you can
You can help to insure that we all insecure our command
If you don't give a listen I won't try to tell your new hand
This is it can't you see that we all have our end in the band
And if all of the teachers and preachers of wealth were arraigned
We could see quite a future for me in the literal sands
And if all of the people could claim to inspect such regret
Well we'd have no forgiveness forgetfulness faithful remorse
So I tell you I tell you I tell you we must send away
We must try to find a new answer instead of a way

lovin lovin' summer.
summer, summer love.

We try so hard to make each other frown
I sometimes wonderif we haven't been together much too long.
The words that work the wonders are so few
that they seem foolish anymore.
Is this a kind of loving too,
a chocolate bar that tastes good at the timebut kills the dinner later on ?
Could be our appetite will go
till even memory's not a feast.
But there are times
when you can smile in such a way
that I'd forget a ten year war
and lie down in your shadows' shadow
and live on sounds your stomach makes.
In these brief times
I could die against your side
and never make a warning sound
content to suffocate
within the circle of your back.

the soldier.

Things have gotten colder in June.
cosmic consciousness washes upon my legs
I've felt emotions hurling over me as if tidal waves.
the various good and bad
come back to life in the spring
and summer should be here
but it has phoned us ,
informed us he wasn't coming home this year.
yr twenty-six year old son
will not be coming home this year.
he died on the battlefield with
his right hand over his heart.
and the photo of his lover in his left.
you read the news that's printed in plain ink
aloud to his mother and father.
the sorrow is read on their faces
the desperation is seen in their eyes.
You can't help but wonder
how they will ever go on?
the one to tell their tale
has left before his time has come.

I love.

I want four shots of whiskey.

I told myself this story.
I knew it before I left them..
therefore, I knew you before I came.
I fear like a child again.
my wondrous nature
yearning to grow.
The ambulance is racing down the hill again.
I lift my head to stare,
the flashing lights,
sirens bellowing in the relaxed night.
screaming sounds& stories I wish not to hear.
my breathing softer now,
it's impeccably quiet this time of night
I sit near the window
think to myself for a spell.
a monster yearning to overcome
all of my insecurities
all of my minds baggage
but what if it rains?
Strange.
It takes the cake,
this one.
like lazy summer days,
hot & tiresome.
mind cloudy and
unorganized breath
now taking place.
I see why birds skip town
during the winter season
it's another notch on the bedpost
if you survive it.

I wish I remembered the poet of this...

We don't fall in love, it rises through us
the way that certain music does...
whether a symphony or ballad
and it is sepia-coloured,
like tea that stains as it creeps up
the tiny tube-like gaps inside
a cube of sugar lying by a cup.
Yes, love's like that,
just when we least needed or expected it
a part of it dips into it,
by chance or mishap..
and it seeps through our capillaries,
it clings inside the chambers of the heart
to atriums & ventricles.
We're victims, we say.
merely vessels,
drinking the vanilla scent of this one's skin,
the lustre of another's blue eyes
skilfully darkened with bistre.
And whatever damage might result
we're not to blame for it.
love is an autocrat
and won't be disobeyed.
Sometimes we almost managed to convince ourselves of that.

It.

I want us to be happy.. .. and by us I mean humanity..

"for what it's worth:
it's never too late or,
in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.
there's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
we can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
and I hope you see things that startle you,
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

----
I can't help but feel the need for validation
for my faith in humanity.
It's shrinking at an incredible rate.
Look at who is beside you,
that is what matters.
not the stimulation of society &
naked women.


I expect class & respect to emerge.
And if not, books can keep me.

couple-a old poems

Jan 8, 07
The swift elbow movement routinely grazes the humidified mirror
as quickly as a hand and it's five digits can wave goodbye,
steam encompassing the room spreads itself swiftly across the void.
an ill fitting puzzle piece.
my structure appears normal,
My face bare of its usual mask.
This is the room I truly find myself.
I am the only one who's seen me completely stripped of all removable filth.
I'm entirely new to every embrace, touch, kiss, grasp.
Day to day, I awake & wash the residue of care, love,
& dead skin cells from my outer shell again.
Only to collect more sincere residue the next day
to be washed and pulled from my body.
I wish I could collect all the love my skin receives each day, and put it in a box.
For when I'm feeling lonely,
I can unlatch the hitch & open up to all the physical care I've been graced with.

Feb 4th 07
Double the number of people on earth
& you wouldn't come close to the number of snowflakes
falling beside me, on me, encompassing my entire field of vision.
This feels secure and familiar,
feels like someone is holding my hand.
There are caverns of my heart I have yet to discover.
This song, this road, the fact I am alone.
traveling, I feel like I can accomplish something.
something unquestionably strange is taking place
and i feel so safe.
I feel as if i am almost living this moment
through someone else's eyes.
I am seeing everything differently.
perhaps the flowers atop the television
are dispersing molecules of relief.
and they're finally coming to my senses.