Internet!!

Finally found a spot to update!
I have been loving this autumn weather....
Indian summer stopped by last week
a wonderful last glimmer of warmth before the winter settles itself in!
I have been very beside myself.
I've been a bit stressed out
which usually, causes me panic & persistent worries
However,
I feel I am growing into my age,
I subconsciously have changed my ways,
I have began eating healthier,
meditating , silence and incredibly deep breaths
give me a sort of happy-high
I breathe, take in all of my feelings
and laugh because,
I am a small woman in a massive world
and realize, these problems of mine could be much worse
I am very lucky to live in a country where water is common,
food is abundant and i am loved.
Chuck and I have gone to our spot down by the river every morning this week
it's like a secret garden of sorts....
brick walls,
a small courtyard...
the view of the river
we sit on ledges and get high,
i lay on my back and stare at the sky
tall prairie grass surrounds us
and we walk
and breathe fresh air
and I am relieved.
Our house is coming together
we'll move into it (hopefully) the beginning of December.
its got an amazing porch for all of our plants!
a bigpicture window in the living room for butters to look out
I have a lot to work on
when it comes to Eve dealing with Eve
but
I am motivated to become a better person everyday.

yay!!!!!!!

autumn calling

this may sound funny,
but I really hope I am a nice person.

dreams do come true

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/10/02/french_couple_receive_womans_2003_note_in_a_bottle/?s_campaign=yahoo

subliminal

Well I'll tell you a story of whiskey and mystics and men
And about the believers, and how the whole thing began
First there were women and children obeying the moon
Then daylight brought wisdom and fever and sickness too soon
You can try to remind me instead of the other you can
You can help to insure that we all insecure our command
If you don't give a listen I won't try to tell your new hand
This is it can't you see that we all have our end in the band
And if all of the teachers and preachers of wealth were arraigned
We could see quite a future for me in the literal sands
And if all of the people could claim to inspect such regret
Well we'd have no forgiveness forgetfulness faithful remorse
So I tell you I tell you I tell you we must send away
We must try to find a new answer instead of a way

lovin lovin' summer.
summer, summer love.

We try so hard to make each other frown
I sometimes wonderif we haven't been together much too long.
The words that work the wonders are so few
that they seem foolish anymore.
Is this a kind of loving too,
a chocolate bar that tastes good at the timebut kills the dinner later on ?
Could be our appetite will go
till even memory's not a feast.
But there are times
when you can smile in such a way
that I'd forget a ten year war
and lie down in your shadows' shadow
and live on sounds your stomach makes.
In these brief times
I could die against your side
and never make a warning sound
content to suffocate
within the circle of your back.

the soldier.

Things have gotten colder in June.
cosmic consciousness washes upon my legs
I've felt emotions hurling over me as if tidal waves.
the various good and bad
come back to life in the spring
and summer should be here
but it has phoned us ,
informed us he wasn't coming home this year.
yr twenty-six year old son
will not be coming home this year.
he died on the battlefield with
his right hand over his heart.
and the photo of his lover in his left.
you read the news that's printed in plain ink
aloud to his mother and father.
the sorrow is read on their faces
the desperation is seen in their eyes.
You can't help but wonder
how they will ever go on?
the one to tell their tale
has left before his time has come.

I love.

I want four shots of whiskey.

I told myself this story.
I knew it before I left them..
therefore, I knew you before I came.
I fear like a child again.
my wondrous nature
yearning to grow.
The ambulance is racing down the hill again.
I lift my head to stare,
the flashing lights,
sirens bellowing in the relaxed night.
screaming sounds& stories I wish not to hear.
my breathing softer now,
it's impeccably quiet this time of night
I sit near the window
think to myself for a spell.
a monster yearning to overcome
all of my insecurities
all of my minds baggage
but what if it rains?
Strange.
It takes the cake,
this one.
like lazy summer days,
hot & tiresome.
mind cloudy and
unorganized breath
now taking place.
I see why birds skip town
during the winter season
it's another notch on the bedpost
if you survive it.

I wish I remembered the poet of this...

We don't fall in love, it rises through us
the way that certain music does...
whether a symphony or ballad
and it is sepia-coloured,
like tea that stains as it creeps up
the tiny tube-like gaps inside
a cube of sugar lying by a cup.
Yes, love's like that,
just when we least needed or expected it
a part of it dips into it,
by chance or mishap..
and it seeps through our capillaries,
it clings inside the chambers of the heart
to atriums & ventricles.
We're victims, we say.
merely vessels,
drinking the vanilla scent of this one's skin,
the lustre of another's blue eyes
skilfully darkened with bistre.
And whatever damage might result
we're not to blame for it.
love is an autocrat
and won't be disobeyed.
Sometimes we almost managed to convince ourselves of that.

It.

I want us to be happy.. .. and by us I mean humanity..

"for what it's worth:
it's never too late or,
in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.
there's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
you can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
we can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
and I hope you see things that startle you,
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

----
I can't help but feel the need for validation
for my faith in humanity.
It's shrinking at an incredible rate.
Look at who is beside you,
that is what matters.
not the stimulation of society &
naked women.


I expect class & respect to emerge.
And if not, books can keep me.

couple-a old poems

Jan 8, 07
The swift elbow movement routinely grazes the humidified mirror
as quickly as a hand and it's five digits can wave goodbye,
steam encompassing the room spreads itself swiftly across the void.
an ill fitting puzzle piece.
my structure appears normal,
My face bare of its usual mask.
This is the room I truly find myself.
I am the only one who's seen me completely stripped of all removable filth.
I'm entirely new to every embrace, touch, kiss, grasp.
Day to day, I awake & wash the residue of care, love,
& dead skin cells from my outer shell again.
Only to collect more sincere residue the next day
to be washed and pulled from my body.
I wish I could collect all the love my skin receives each day, and put it in a box.
For when I'm feeling lonely,
I can unlatch the hitch & open up to all the physical care I've been graced with.

Feb 4th 07
Double the number of people on earth
& you wouldn't come close to the number of snowflakes
falling beside me, on me, encompassing my entire field of vision.
This feels secure and familiar,
feels like someone is holding my hand.
There are caverns of my heart I have yet to discover.
This song, this road, the fact I am alone.
traveling, I feel like I can accomplish something.
something unquestionably strange is taking place
and i feel so safe.
I feel as if i am almost living this moment
through someone else's eyes.
I am seeing everything differently.
perhaps the flowers atop the television
are dispersing molecules of relief.
and they're finally coming to my senses.

...winter has me feeling cold. Inside & out.

I AM
CONTENT AND
HAPPY
WITH MY PLACE
IN LINE
&
WHEN I AM NOT
I WILL GET UP
AND RE ARRANGE TO
FIX THAT.
MY EYES,
WELL,
THEY STARE BACK.
AND MY HEART,
WELL,
IT SINGS SONGS OF
LAUGHTER,
LOVE
AND
YOUTH.

BE A CRIMINAL! BE A HERO!

Be a criminal! be a hero!

Everyone I've met in life has been for a strange and fascinating reason.

I feel lucky for it to work that way.

I'm lucky.

Can't remember what I was thinkin' of
You might be spoilin' me too much, love,
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,
Crickets talkin' back &forth in rhyme,
Blue river runnin' slow &lazy,
I could stay with you forever,
and never realize the time.

Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.
But there's no way I can compare,
all those scenes to this affair,
yer gonna make me lonesome when you go.